i spend my days in perpetual confusion (wtf with the what what?) because i suspect that my self-serving brain purposely refuses to retain understanding of accounting logic. but the brain also decides that it’s perfectly normal for a non-network person to help someone successfully backup and restore a sql database. shows you where my loyalties lie alright.
in case you were seriously asking that question, then the blunt answer is: my loyalties certainly don’t lie with you. and i suspect it never will.
of course, further along the line of honest self-examination, i wonder if this jaded outlook on life and society is because i’m too selfish to give a damn anymore. pretty much takes too much effort to want to effect a change if i’m gonna be the one who’s doing most of the work. charitable causes on my agenda do not include getting you to be less self-centered (the hypocrite in me won’t rise to the bait in case you’re wondering). building houses and schools in central america sounds like a glorious haven actually. everything else just pisses me off.
wisdom or self-confidence? i refuse to feel guilty for not getting the vibe straight off. it isn’t a difficult refusal to maintain either. because i’ll get it eventually and that eventually means i’ll get it down pretty decent. at the moment i only feel bad about possibly doling out incorrect/inefficient solutions and having to bug people who are already busy for answers to seemingly the most inane of problems. bad. but not guilty. cause i ain’t done nothing wrong yet that doesn’t fall within reasonable trainee fuckups.
i’m rather excited about tomorrow’s 12p appointment. a starting point onto somewhere i’m paving for myself, by myself. i care in a way i couldn’t care before.
and finally, this couldn’t be more true.