lately that well of inadequacy has overflowed from its usual undercurrent. today was especially, to quote the myspace generation, teh sux0rs. and i do think this whole mess is entirely my fault. that self-sense of purposeful neglect and absent-mindedness has finally begun to bite me in the arse. in essence, i’ve not moved from square one: making that choice to give a damn and actually, y’know, pay attention. i give a lot on a daily basis but a part of me (that part that hates corporate work, hates working for others, hates selling out, daydreams) holds back the last shred of possible effort. the part that works hard has landed me a godforsaken amount of shite to attend to in the pending tray while the part that doesn’t give a damn has let me slip on keeping up here and there. and, for once, i’m contemplating choosing to give a damn. work the arse off for someone else. because this place i’m at right now isn’t so bad. it’s selling out and it’s draining my soul, but it’s fairly endurable – at times even enjoyable.
it’s easy to repeat the maxim you are who you feel you are, who you choose to be. yet i can’t help wondering that, if i give in, the part of me that pushes the boundaries will die just a little. if my chances to get up one day will diminish by that much. because there are missteps when i’m my own cheerleader.